Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.

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I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport


Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding


Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.


“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other


If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.


Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.


I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.