@just1fool

Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.

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@rasm69

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

@Cryptoterra

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

@WilliamAder

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

@AmishPornStar1

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

@AndyAsAdjective

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

@Arbitral

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

@LVMelL0

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.