@kashmir_lover1

Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating

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@BuckyIsotope

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

@whiskeyinadram

Her: Choke me!

Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.

@Oxey_Rotten

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

@KenJennings

Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell “definitely.”

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

@CakeThrottle

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

@ChrisThayerSays

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

@darrinfb

You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.

@ComedyAndTruth

Parents: What foreign language class are you taking this year? Me: Math.

@jwoodham

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.