I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating
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Her: Choke me!
Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell “definitely.”
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.
Parents: What foreign language class are you taking this year? Me: Math.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.