Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
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gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure