ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
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i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*