I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
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I falcon love using swear birds
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.