Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

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The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.


[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”


Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.


My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.


Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.


me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.


I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.


Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.


I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.