Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Love is in the air fryer.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0