Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
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“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
79.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
this is literally a CIA plant