Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
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Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.