Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
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A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
yes… yes…
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.