Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
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I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
How to draw a duck
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
peak technology
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.