Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

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Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.


[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?


Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.


Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.


“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.


Star Wars 7 is when they all realize that they are just Andy’s toys.


me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no


surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*


Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.