@PinkCamoTO

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

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@sammyrhodes

Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

@lecalabara

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

@mrjohntofu

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

@QwertyJones3

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

@Davesub10S

Star Wars 7 is when they all realize that they are just Andy’s toys.

@daemonic3

me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no

@JB4Realz

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

@krishna_van

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.