Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]