[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
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nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.