autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
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I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
my proudest tweet