Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
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Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise