Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
You Might Also Like
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*