Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
You Might Also Like
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Me too
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
i wish we could shoplift online
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.