Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
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[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode