Autocorrect is my menesis
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Teamwork makes the dream work.
thank god
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
#NoRestForTheWicked
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Cndnsd Mlk
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services