@UncleDuke1969

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

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@sammyrhodes

1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. – Toddler To Do List

@Probgoblin

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

@iGreenGod

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

@Wakenbake77

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

@junejuly12

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

@bourgeoisalien

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. Any jerk could donate their body to science. I can’t wait to be a theater prop.

@tyleroakley

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

@NJPsychDoc

If the opposite of impossible is Possible & the opposite of immature is Mature, you can conclude that i’m a very Portant person to some.

@MableGertrude

I’m not saying you’re on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN