Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
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It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’