1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. – Toddler To Do List
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
You Might Also Like
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. Any jerk could donate their body to science. I can’t wait to be a theater prop.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
If the opposite of impossible is Possible & the opposite of immature is Mature, you can conclude that i’m a very Portant person to some.
I’m not saying you’re on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN