Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Autocorrect just changed “carnie” to “catnip” and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.
You Might Also Like
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
1. use the word “plethora” more
2. learn at least four new bird calls – no, wait. learn a plethora of new bird calls.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.