This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Autocorrect just changed “carnie” to “catnip” and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.
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Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.
He also gets 25% off his next rescue.