@buhsbaby_baby

Autocorrect just changed “carnie” to “catnip” and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

@GinAndJif

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

@LizerReal

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

@wickedimproper

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

@Iffy_Penguin

resolutions:
1. use the word “plethora” more
2. learn at least four new bird calls – no, wait. learn a plethora of new bird calls.

@AaronFullerton

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

@dazedandsincere

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.