If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
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My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings