Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
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I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
*skinny dips into black hole
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them