@LionJenkins

Autocorrect just changed “Selfies” to “Selfless” so I just took a picture without me in it.

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@chuuew

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

@JohnLyonTweets

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

@lisaOoOo

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

@JP_theAntiHero

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

@Darlainky

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

@Donna_McCoy

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

@jakob_huber

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

@Jazzzzzmina

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.