We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
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10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.