When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
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“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
broke down and did it
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.