Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.