@toastymoe: Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
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@MomofTeen: Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a "leaf herder" and realize I need to get out more often.
@msdanifernandez: [during sex] him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens [takes out telescope to watch comet]
@24HourBitching: Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
@daemonic3: Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.