Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
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People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Life is a suicide mission.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*