Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
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There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village