“But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like ‘wtf’ ” Genesis 19:26
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
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“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Being a hacker in the ’80’s was way easier.
*shakes vending machine until chocolate bars falls.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.
This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!
What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,