Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
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*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.