@peterjames48

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

You Might Also Like

@TheLOLYBible

“But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like ‘wtf’ ” Genesis 19:26

@TheTweetOfGod

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

@HatfieldAnne

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

@Carbosly

Being a hacker in the ’80’s was way easier.

*shakes vending machine until chocolate bars falls.

@david8hughes

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

@RunOldMan

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

@TheTweetOfGod

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

@sarcasticmommy4

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.