Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
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So can we start calling them Traylor now?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!