Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
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[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite