My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
You Might Also Like
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
yeah 😭
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.