#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
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BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
584.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you