AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
pat pat
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries