I feel attacked.
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My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
This is the best one I’ve seen
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?