Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

Stop it! 😂

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

nobody’s gonna understand

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.