AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
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Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?