[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit