[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
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*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant