Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
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literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.