Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
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Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee