@SortaBad

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

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@foodfacenow

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

@fro_vo

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

@TechnicallyRon

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

@robfee

Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children

@HenpeckedHal

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

@realHamOnWry

I’ll bet Miss Piggy kissed a lot of princes before she found her frog.

@GingerHotDish

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

@OneFunnyMummy

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

@Musings_of_wine

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.