Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
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God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers