wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
You Might Also Like
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
sure you can PAY for a professional photographer, OR you can just lie spread out in a field until 1 finds u and just starts taking pictures
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
DAD: You’re not a dog.
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*