[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
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Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Some people were born into their job.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Autocorrect completely socks
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.