I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
You Might Also Like
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I was just discussing this with my cat
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running