Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
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Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
my sentiments exactly
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
How it started: How it’s going:
this is the greatest thing ever
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.