Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

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If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.


Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.


After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.


iPhone 6: For people who don’t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.


Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”


You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat


I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand


me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased


My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”


I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.