@GensPlace

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

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@IamJackBoot

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

@Mitchoacan

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

@marthasa1

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

@andylassner

iPhone 6: For people who don’t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.

@riscfuture

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

@WilliamRodgers

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

@tomipuff

I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand

@FredTaming

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

@Naggalie

My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”

@Mhmm_ok_sure

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.