Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

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[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374


I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.


i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]


One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.


[fleeing the bank we just robbed]
accomplice: play it cool this time, okay?
police officer: alright he’s clear


I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter


I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to make new friends. I say to myself in my pajama pants, in my house all day, with my ringer off.


women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister


You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.