Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
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Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*