Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
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earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
The internet is full of many things
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
handsome & gretel