Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
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You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks