Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

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[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?


-Oh shit we called the wrong devils


“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed


You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.


DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party


Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird


I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.


Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date


We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable


“What should we name this fruit?”
“Let’s not let Todd name any more fruits.”