“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
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Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[About to have sex]
Me: I want you so bad.
Her: Take me.
Me: [rips off panties]
Her: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING PANTIES
I’m a narsciic- narcssiss- narcasassi- narcysis-narcis-
I’m better than you.
[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]
“And if you look over here you’ll see a lot more really old shit.”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Battery falling down a hole
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..