@Try2StopME

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

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@Angibangie

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

@carterhambley

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

@Mardigroan

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

@TriciaLockwood

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

@ArfMeasures

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

@slamdancenance

I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.

@angelunatic_

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

@rolldiggity

“What should we name this fruit?”
“Passion!”
“…”
“…”
“Let’s not let Todd name any more fruits.”