[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
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“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
“What should we name this fruit?”
“Let’s not let Todd name any more fruits.”