@Try2StopME

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

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@MooseAllain

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

@ComedicBust

[About to have sex]

Me: I want you so bad.

Her: Take me.

Me: [rips off panties]

Her: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING PANTIES

@shkeeber

I’m a narsciic- narcssiss- narcasassi- narcysis-narcis-

I’m better than you.

@Crunk_Jews

[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]

“And if you look over here you’ll see a lot more really old shit.”

@blade_funner

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

@sskylark

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

@Iwriteforcats

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

@mrtruthandsoul

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..