Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
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*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading