@Donna_Gallers: Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@iGreenMonk: Baked turkey for 4 and a half days - instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108! #MyProblem
@AristotlesNZ: In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked "where's the fire", stroking a lighter & whispering "haven't decided yet" was a mistake.
@SirEviscerate: NALA: Why can't you be the king I know? The king you have inside you? SIMBA: That doesn't make sense. I think I'd remember if I ate a king.
@HomeWithPeanut: Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book? 3: Me: Do a puzzle? 3: Me: Paint? 3: Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please. 3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]