Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks


Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”


my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work


I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.


How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger


Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine


Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.


What do you get when you cross a Centaur with a Minotaur? Cinnaminotaur. The most delicious of all mythological creatures.


me: *down on one knee*

her: omg omg omg it’s finally happening

me: *tightens my velcro straps* what