Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
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In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
😏😏😏
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
yes… yes…
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.